• Jessica Lynn Suchon

meditation while watching the 2020 oscars red carpet

Updated: Feb 11

award show season is bittersweet for me, always. i used to work in hollywood, by which i mean i used to live in los feliz and drive to hollywood and then head to beverly hills most days. i dressed celebrities for the red carpet. i dressed models for fashion spreads in some of my favorite magazines. i walked away from the whole thing because it never felt quite right, even as i had a room full of prada coats and vivienne westwood boots and handfuls of diamond rings and called it a career.

i still love nice things. i still spend too much money on shoes and occasionally choose an overpriced pearl barrette over food and other necessities. i have a disordered relationship with both eating and late-stage capitalism, but i love pretty foods and colorful, soft sweaters to wear almost as much as i love denying myself those same things.

every year during the oscars, i drink champagne in my little house, in the middle of tennessee. two days ago, it snowed. most days i feel incredibly ordinary and find this both a relief and a disappointment, an answer and a challenge.